So Long To Do's

On my birthday, my friend asked me how I felt about turning another year older. 

I told her that weirdly enough, the older I get, the more I feel like my younger self.

The older I get, the younger I feel. 

You see as I embarked on “adulthood” in my mid twenties, I suddenly thought everything I did had to have a purpose. I thought I needed to accomplish more, do more — be more.

Self-improvement podcasts told me to time block my calendar. Wellness experts told me to set up a 10-step morning routine. Social media told me to buy the latest trend. Health gurus told me to eat only certain foods at certain times. Influencers told me to figure out how to do more in less time — how to optimize my existence.

And I, as the [recovering] perfectionist that I am, believed them.

I felt that my days weren’t worthy unless they were filled to the brim. I felt I should constantly reconsider my workout plan, or my routine, or my goals. I never felt I was doing enough.

I never felt I was enough.

And so days began to feel like a lifesized yearly planner and a never ending to do list — my brain filled with what else I could and should be doing to be “my best”.

What they don’t tell you is that these foundations you put in place for yourself: your morning routine, your workout plan, your schedule to reach your goals and hold yourself accountable — they mean absolutely nothing if all you do with your life is think about them.

They mean absolutely nothing if all you do is fret over the next to do, beat yourself up if you miss one of them, constantly think you need to change who you are and what you do — constantly think you aren’t good enough.

There is a difference between wanting to reach your goals to improve your life, and frantically thinking you need to change in order to be deserving of enjoying it.

But, over the last few years I have somehow moved away from this hamster wheel of striving for ultimate self-improvement. I have stripped away the “goals” in my life. I have centered my attention on the ones that truly matter. I have vowed to quit adding in the excess — to quit believing them when they tell me that what I am doing is inherently wrong, and only when I do what they are doing will I be inherently right.

I have learned, over time, that it is OK to enjoy your food instead of treating it as a tool to look a certain way — as a tool to control. I have learned, over time, that no one will love me any less or any more if my home is perfect, my wardrobe is perfect — if I am perfect. I have learned, over time, that making progress and reaching goals happens when you actually get up and do the thing, instead of spending your time planning the perfect process for it. I have learned, over time, that you are allowed to pivot as you go, and the only way to find out what you want is by taking action — by striving for imperfect progress over perfection — each and every time.

And perhaps most importantly, I have learned that life is not about following a to-do list or the latest routine that claims it will make you the best you. 

I have learned that life is about leaning into the flow of your instincts, your creativity, and your joy — all of the things that make you, you.

That is your best you — and only you can tell you how to do that.

And so, as I have reached a new year of my life — I feel more like my younger self than ever before. The one that didn’t worry about the clock. The one that rearranged her room for the fun of it, not because it was a “to do”. The one that made brownies on a Tuesday just because. The one that cleaned out her closet because it made her feel creative, not because she saw someone on social media who told her she needs to.

The one that listens to herself more than the outside world.

I set intentions for my life, and then I trust that my instincts and my soul will inspire me to take the proper action to get there.

And I can’t wait to see how things play out.