A Cloud Has Cleared

If you’ve followed me or been a friend for a long time, you know that I spent years of my young adult life writing and sharing my thoughts. 

As I figured out who I was, what I wanted, and who I wanted to be — I wrote. As I navigated growing up, understanding the ups and downs of life, and challenges I faced — I wrote.

For the last few years, I haven’t been writing as much. Perhaps it’s because I don’t need to — perhaps, as I have grown and slowly actualized and implemented different learnings into my life I am a bit more #stable (though after you get through this, you may disagree).

This is not to say that I have not still been doing immense growth behind the scenes. I have simply been processing it in different ways — I have been more focused on my mind-body connection, one on one personal development and coaching, and, truthfully, trying to simply live my life after years of living in a state of “life analysis” (a term I just made up, by definition: a state in which you perpetually cannot live your life without analyzing every last thing to determine what it means, whether or not it is productive, or if it is bringing you closer to the best version of you).

In summary, I used to live in my own head a lot, and around when I turned 30, I (more often than not) learned to… not.

However, writing is something that has never left my soul. It is the place where time stops — where I forget the clock, the Google calendar, or the relentless internal nagging to get something else done. Being in the creative process and in flow while I write, is one of the most special places for me, it is the place that got me through my most difficult times. 

Writing is something I have been craving and something that, in my head, I have recently made a “to do” to get back to. A goal in my planner that says “get back to writing” that goes untouched.

Through recent reflections and conversations, I have realized that I have made many simple joys in my life such as writing, rather than letting them be something I flow into, and, you know, joyful — something to cross off on a checklist. I have made them a box to check on my never-ending quest to be productive and improve.

Somewhere along the way, simple pleasures became a to do.

Shocker, I am tired of this.

And so alas, I find myself back with my (coffee and a) keyboard (if you know, you know).

As I have walked through my life and evolved — I have adopted many different practices to be more efficient with my time. I have adopted many different practices to optimize my life and “balance it all” (in quotes because, can you, really??).

I’ve listened to podcasts telling me to time block my calendar, to write down all of the different things I need to get done, to schedule my free time — to take control of my day.

And while this has many benefits, and works for some, I have noticed a major drawback.

My free time has now become a “to do”, going out dinner is now another event on my calendar, celebrating friends birthdays has now become an obligation, being a good friend, sister — daughter has now become a chore, writing or doing things I love has now become a goal that I am not accomplishing — a goal that makes me feel less than when I do not complete it — a goal I no longer want to strive to reach.

My time I do have off is now riddled with the thought of all the things I need to get done that live on my to do list. 

My calendar has become full, I have felt trapped — as though I don’t have enough time in the day to do what I need to do — as though I have no free time to just “be”.

I have forgotten how to trust myself — how to understand that not everything needs to be a task to come back to — that if something is important, it will come back to me.

The other night, I deleted my to do list that I haven’t touched in years — a list full of things that are simply not important to me. I cleared out my calendar other than the “extras” (my internal self-talk went something like: “like, bro, I know I go to work every day, I know I go to the gym — turns out, you don’t always have to write it all down if that is not serving you and making you feel overwhelmed”). I cleared out my goals to focus on what ACTUALLY matters to me — not what I think should matter to me. I’ve toned down my self improvement podcast intake — clearing out subscriptions from my library. 

I’ve taken a load off of my life — I’ve lifted a cloud of looming to do’s that were never important to me in the first place.

I’ve become lighter. I’ve become focused. 

I’ve become free.

And hey, maybe, just maybe, you’ll see more of me. Because maybe, just maybe, I can write “just because” again. :)